Archive de la Morte

Rising from the ashes. . .

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 00:58:18 GMT

Today is my first post in ages. Sneaking on the landlord's comp here. Anyway we're short-handed at work and trying to make due. It's fantabulous. Everyone's getting burned out and today is my family emergency day. Hoping all goes well there. What a day.
I'm listening to good tunes though. Broadening my horizons so to say. Anyway I have nothing good to report. Just work work work.
I'm off to bed soon so I can get up at 5 and live the dream again.
Goodnight and God speed,
Out

pics of my kids

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 19:23:39 GMT

newest toy

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 05:13:58 GMT

And a lifelong dream fulfilled. I got my Kelly and did it cheap as hell today. I'm happy with me :) YAY!

YAY

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 12:15:31 GMT

Uncle Rico
(Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This will make Jessica happy

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 17:06:14 GMT

I'm about to start writing a book here and hope the spelling is all ok as I"m not going to want to review it. If it's not then y'all will have a forgive me. I've been spending time this AM reviewing old journal entries, just for the sake of seeing where I am today versus where I've been. I'm actually quite happy now where I am. Kelly and I talked last night and that was amazing as always. She has this knack for always making me smile. It's nice to be able to do that. I really am loving having her around. She had to tell me happy birthday a week late but she couldn't reach me in Pennsylvania. Which leads to my next point. I'm SO glad I moved west here and not east. I've now seen the east coast, parts of it anyway. There can be no more miserable place in the union. I don't think I've ever hated a place more. The company sent me to HQ in 84, PA and that was interesting. Met some good guys and gal. Jamie, the lone woman in our class is a sweetheart. She's going to be an inventory manager so maybe I'll hear from her again. Got her # so if need be I can guarantee that fact. The roomies I had were cool. Denver turned me on to Wade Bowen and West 84, a country-esque band that I hadn't heard. They have a song out called Please Come to Boston. I recommend that anyone listen to that. It's really amazing to look back at what my plans were even a few months ago and look at where I am today. I think I'm going in the right direction. To anyone who thought I couldn't survive without my last love interest, I say "Be Damned!" I'm doing it and loving every minute of it. I don't have to feel guilty anymore. I don't have to feel obligated anymore. I can actually be ME. I don't have to cover up certain aspects of me to try to satisfy anyone. It's nice. Work is fun, I think things here will go well. I plan to go far in the company. I met the owner in PA and he's a trip. An 82 year old man who shhok my hand, grabbed his junk and swore at us. Quite the Joe. I got to PA on Saturday, way to ruin my birthday plans, and my luggage came Tuesday. That sucked. Got my luggage Tuesday though, and our room heater died. Things were seeming to be against us in certain ways. Anyway we made it through and I passed all the tests so I"m good. Just a few more things to do and I'll be promotable. That will be grand. I'm doing laundry all day today. I got home ok though and met a wonderful gal in the plane and we talked the whole way to Denver. Anyway, I'm to go down and see Kelly tomorrow and she wants to do dinner. I've got some really strong feelings for that girl but things are moving slowly. That's just fine for me. She's worth whatever it takes. I've never known anyone like her. Someone who's country, who understands all my weaknesses and doesn't expect me to go beyond my limits. I didn't think they made women like that. I guess at 28 she's lived enough to know what she's after and know what life is like. This is good. Someone on my same level a life experience. And someone that has almost identical weaknesses so we can relate :) Anyway I suppose this book is long enough for now so I"ll return to it later. Time for my 8.99 meat lovers pizza on pan crust. I'm so ready for real food. I"m off for now but REALLY glad to be home. Colorado feel like home to me now. That's reassuring. Have a good read Jess, Viv, maybe Miranda. TTFN. I'm gone

Weekend Update

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 00:57:48 GMT

Well, I'm writing in this as a little reminder to those wondering if I'm still alive. The answer is yes and I'm busy as all hell lately. The new job is good and I'm losing a TON of weight. Getting closer and closer to my goal. I asked Kelly if she'd want to do anything for Christmas tonight se we'll see how that goes. I love life right now. After all these years of being lied to, spit at, called names and other dumb shit, I'm finally getting things straightened out. It's a relief let me tell ya. I'm liking being management again as it makes me feel good to have people put faith in me. I don't know where I'll end up with this company but I do plan to retire from it if things stay as they are. It's a good company and they treat me well. The guys drink like nobody's business and after going out with a couple of them briefly I'm still amazed. The old games are returning. Seeing who can pound the most and playing Texas Hold 'em at Paul's is a regular thing. It's a good time. I'm just now trying to figure out how to round out my life and trying to figure out what to do in a few areas right now. I'm gaining on it but no solid answers yet. Slow is a good pace for me though. allows me to test the water before diving in. Some people I know need to learn how to do that a bit more often. Anyway I'm off to call Don, dad, and Jess, maybe Travis & Travis, Need to call Matt and see what he's having, boy or girl. At any rate I'll be busy tonight. Later all!

2 songs I"m playing a lot lately

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 15:45:28 GMT

Lost in a dream
Nothing is what it seems
Searching my head
For the words that you said
Tears filled my eyes
As we said our last goodbyes
The sad scene replays
Of you walking away

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust

Time and again
She repeats let’s be friends
I smile and say yes
Another truth bends,
I must confess

I try to let go, but I know
We’ll never end ’til we’re dust
We lied to each other again
But I wish I could trust

My body aches from mustakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust

God help me please, on my knees
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
Now there’s nothing we trust

How could this be happening to me
I’m lying when I say, ’trust me’
I can’t believe this is true
Trust hurts
Why does trust equal suffering

Absolutely nothing we trust

If I see the morning hours
I’ll have one more yesterday
Take life from tomorrow
Cause I’ve burned out my today

If I get up to the top I know
I’ll just go back downhill
Gotta’ terminal future
And it’s time to write my will

Down another glass of courage
And a shot of thorazine

We’re not ready to see you yet
99 ways to die
We’re not ready to see you yet

Gotta’ short between the earphones
Wringing my hands in dismay
A more efficient maniac
With two feet in the grave

Ain’t got no last words to say
Yellow streak right up my spine
The gun in my mouth was real
And the taste blew my mind

In a black tie and straight jacket
Man I’m gonna try again

Chorus repeat

Demitasse of arsenic
Try on this tie
Never mind the tree

There is only death and danger
In the sockets of my eyes
A playground of illusion
No one plays they only die

There’s a prison in my mind
And the bars are gonna break
I’m as mad as a hatter
And strung out just the same

Taunting rigor mortis
I feel it draw me in

the newest installment

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 15:05:03 GMT

Well my first week is over. I am getting used to things again and geting to feeling better. I forgot how much things can hurt at times. Levi keeps emphasizing that we are managers just in training. He's at the next level, where I'll be in about 6 months. The guys seem pretty cool to me and I'm happy for the first time in ages at work. I think this is going to be a career for me and not just a job. I will probably retire from this company barring some major incident. They treat a guy very well and make ya feel like ya belong in the mix. It's cool to have that at work. It also puts me in the Springs and closer to Kelly and Amber. I like that part too. Makes things go a lil easier than having me clear up here. I will probably be moving there in a few months and then who knows what'll happen. I just know that I'm loving this move and this decision and I don't care what anyone says. I missed having the chance to manage after leaving Iowa and was beginning to wonder if I'd ever have the chance again. I'm glad I do. Also I can go anywhere in the country with the company as we have stores all over. That makes me happy too. I'll prolly stay out here though as I love it here. I feel at home and I've never felt that before. It's like I belong. I wish I knew the right way to say what I feel but I don't. I'm just content, that's the bottom line. I'm peaceful. I'm trying to make something happen with Kelly and things are still on the forward move but neither of us is rushing. We've both been bitten a couple times so caution is good. But I do care greatly for her. I dunno if the L word is appropriate but I do care a great deal for her. And her lil one as well. She's an angel. I love kids. Anyway, I suppose I should be going. It's weird that I can now feel free to be sappy or that I'm allowed to feel so god that it makes me cry and I don't have anyone telling me to suck it up and move on with life. It makes me feel better to know that for once I can be me again. No charades, no games, just me bein me. I missed that. I'm starting to remember what I liked about me and realize what I've lost in the last several years. It's rapidly coming back. Dad's out of the hospital and the surgery went well I guess. He's able to walk a lil now and it's getting better he says. Also have to find out how a friend is as there was a nasty wreck outside of town Friday night that resulted in someone I know getting croaked. I got the whole story and want to see how one of the guys is. Anyway I'm off for now so I'll write more when I have time which ain't often at work. I'm just thinking of how much I'll miss the comp when I go south as I won't have one there. Y'all will have to guess how I'm doing after that. Unless I have your number and a way to reach you. If ya want me to reach ya :) I'm out for now. Breakfast is calling. Over and out!

and that's News to me. . .

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 03:08:05 GMT

Well I'm updating quickly and getting ready for bed. I now go to bed between 8 and 9. The job is fun and I"m liking the guys. I've really decided that this is something I want to do and am just getting used to things again. I think all will be well. I'm off for now. Management work takes it out of me mentally. More this weekend.

Quoth the Raven, "NEVERMORE!"

The Song

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 16:32:15 GMT

I hate to say it.
Words and music by Robert and Devin Draper
October, 2004

Why do I put myself through all this heartache?
I wonder if you're worthy of my love.
A million times I've asked myself this question,
I guess the only one who knows is God above.

Why am I the one to always ask forgiveness?
Why should I sit at home and wait for you?
I guess we weren't supposed to live our lives together,
I hate to say it, but I know sweetheart we're through.

And now everybody says that I'll get over you,
Everywhere I go I hear that same old line.
They don't seem to understand that love ain't easy.
But it gets easier with every drink of wine.

Why am I the one to always ask forgiveness?
Why should I sit at home and wait for you?
I guess we weren't supposed to live our lives together.
I hate to say it, but I know sweetheart we're through.

A song that dad had written most of years ago and we used to try to work up and in recent times I've made work. See guys, something we worked together on was good? hehe

Draper out

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 04:12:46 GMT

create your own visited states map

a couple songs I'm playing off the new Megadeth cuz they ROCK!!!!

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 16:52:46 GMT

Tears In A Vial
Music & Lyrics - Mustaine
This may seem all too confusing
How I could walk away from something so rare
But you see it all got too demanding, yeah
And I just didn't care, I just didn't care, if I cared, if I cared

Lately, I've been left wanting, but not wanting you
Attraction that once was is no longer there, ooh
And it sucks to be taken for granted
When the veil is drawn and there's only air

I had to walk away
Give up something I love
For what I loved even more
And save my tears for you

Everything has lost its meaning; I had to let it go
To find myself, myself, and start something new, brand new
Forced to look deep in the mirror, face who I really am
Now it's just me, cause I can't afford you

I had to walk away
Give up something I love
For what I loved even more
And save my tears for you

I gave up something I loved
For what I loved even more
And I saved my tears for you
In a vial and walked away

You were so beautiful to look upon
I could see the light in your smile
Your eyes were the windows into your soul
Your body was heavenly just like the sky

Until all your good looks betrayed you, which ain't much
Counted on your counterfeit smiles for too long
Your eyes are empty windows: broken
The body may be here, but the soul is gone

I saved my tears for you in a vial
From everything wicked thing that you did, that you said
To send away, buried with your love
So many tears in a vial, now that you're gone, and now that you're dead

Something That I'm Not
Music & Lyrics - Mustaine
Your mind tells you that you've lost your confidence
You're drifting and ya don't believe in anyone
To lose what little you have left to be proud of
Afraid you can't do this again, ah!

You said that nothing come in-between us
The way of getting things we wanted done
Then enissophobia held you under its influence
Until you compromised your style

Everything about you has been one big charade
What will you do now that the well's run dry? Cry?
To sell out all your friends and stab them in the back
It's something that you are; it's something that I'm not

When you forced me into doing what you love
Mark my words no one loves you very much, yeah mark em'
And when you tried to change me and tried to replace me
I couldn't help but end just hating you, hmm!

Being a fraud can only last so long, you should know
Till what ya sensed as a child returns, you little baby
To choke out the voice that told ya “money and the fame”
Would fill the crater that you dug for yourself

Unlike you I'm no vision to myself, lest you forget
You didn't ever make metal, buddy; metal made you
To crush and run over everyone along the way
It's something that you are; it's something that I'm not

A stranger to yourself, ha! ya pissed me off again
I won't be driven by your needs anymore
What you'd become to do or be is clear to see for me
It's something that you are; something that I'm not

It makes me sick to hear you say you “love me”
I know you only love what I can do for you
If you were the one that was leading the charge
Would you notice if I missed a day or two? But that's impossible!

We all laughed at the parodies that you'd become
Now your pain slowly paid back has begun
So, accept my resignation, or in your words “betrayal”
Before it gets much worse, end this self-sabotage

Something that I'm not, something that you are, something I'm not

Something that I'm not, something that you are, something I'm not
Something that you are, something I'm not, yet

Of Mice And Men
Music & Lyrics - Mustaine
The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men

Back when I was just seventeen
I thought that I knew everything
I could make it in this scene
To be a rising star that only gleamed
But all the answers disagreed
With the questions held for me

I was legal now at twenty-one
I knew the way the world should run
My God just look what I had done
Simply drunk and having fun
Looked for friends, but I found none
All alone at twenty-one

The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men
The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men

At twenty-five I was surprised
That I was still even half alive
Somehow I managed to survive
I felt my body's doing time
And In my back a hundred knives
From friends at twenty-five

And now as Gabriel sounds my warning bell
I'd buy your life, if you would sell
A year or two, if less compelled
So live your life and live it well
There's not much left of me to tell
I just got back up each time I fell

The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men
The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men

The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men

The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men
The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men
The fire burns on and on
That drives me on till all is gone
Except the simple plans
Of mice and men

MEGADETH!!!!!!

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 05:14:49 GMT

Anyway, so I went to the Springs tonight to meet up with Kelly and that was good fun. I really like that girl and she's just so great to be with. She's like another me in a LOT of ways. We just have a LOT in common. I've never known anyone like her and consequently, I've done nothing but smile all week. It's INSANE! I'm like all floaty and bubbly all of a sudden and it's great. She's made me see all kinds of things about me that I never knew before. Best of all we have some very common weak spots so she understands that totally. I love that. I don't have to feel all weird because of the gut thing or my back hurting. She's from the country and that's a bonus too. My pretty lil country girl out here. Also we're moving the rest of her stuff to her now pad on Tues so we're making a day of it. I could just spend the rest of my days with her, it's really that good having her with me. So I get to go to the ranch and play cowboy for the first time since I've been here so that'll be much fun. I miss certain things that small towns and farms can offer. Anyway I spose I'll mosey off to bed but things are Great right now and I can't imagine anything better.
Over and out.

11-2-04

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 15:57:15 GMT

Well I went to see Megadeth on Tuesday night and the show was amazing. Got to spend the day with Kelly and that was amazing as well. I really am enjoying our time together. She's a really sweet girl. We fought our way to front row at the show and it was a blast. She even got us backstage VIP passes so I got to meet Dave and the guys. I'm so stoked about that. Dave was a great guy as always and it was cool visiting with him. He was so down to earth and mellow. The Drovers were cool and James was a trip. I couldn't believe all these guys were so soft spoken and friendly. Anyway I'm still all excited about seeing the guys and spending all this time with Kelly. Things are really picking up here and I"m loving every minute of it. Maybe all that's happened lately had to happen to allow what's happening now.
I love life right now.

Isn't this about the truth?

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 00:58:14 GMT

I am Kong.

Strong and passionate, I tend to be misunderstood, sometimes even feared. I don't want to fight, I don't want to cause trouble, all I ask is a little love, and a little peace. If I don't get what I want, I get angry, and throw barrels and flaming oil at whatever's stopping me. What Video Game Character Are You?

Jess, What do you suppose this means?

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:48:51 GMT

Which movie? by travel_crazy
Username
Favourite colour
You belong in
And your co-star should be	longwalkback

Quiz created with MemeGen!

nice test. . .

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 16:43:03 GMT

20 Questions to a Better Relationship

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 2/10
Giver: 6/10

You are a XPIG--Expressive Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Catch.

You are a magazine-cover, matinee idol dreamboat. Parents love you and want to set you up with their kids. However, first dates are tough because it takes time for your qualities to come out.

You are generous and kind. You think first and act later. You are cool in a conflict, but your practical side means if your partner throws out emotional appeals ("why can't we do what I want for a change?") they will grate on your nerves, even when the conflict is resolved.

You're a romantic. You enjoy the thrill of the hunt, and you don't just fall into bed with anyone. You pay close attention to your significant other's needs, and this makes you an excellent lover and partner. The problem is that your friends and lovers may find it so easy to express things to *you* that they lose sight of whether you feel as comfortable with *them*! This doesn't necessarily make you feel under-appreciated -- you're too well-adjusted and self-aware for that -- but you may feel restless. Thus you seek adventure in your life outside the relationship to prove and actualize yourself.

Of all the types, you would make the best parent.

You are coiffed.

Didja see "Big Fish"? 'Cause you're like Ewan MacGregor in "Big Fish."

Of the 119469 people who have taken this quiz, 9.1 % are this type.

free floating hostilities and other useless mumbo jumbo

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 22:26:15 GMT

Today I find myself debating my current place in life. I don't exactly know what to think of it. I'm happy where I am here in Colorado, that's a given, but I'm finding myself RATHER disenfranchised with my current career. I'm trying to do things as best I can but am finding that I"m coming up short. I don't know what to make of that other than to keep plugging away for now. If it keeps up as it's been going I may need to find a new career choice and just live my life in a forward direction as I like to. I haven't talked to Carmen in what feels like weeks. That's the other part of the job I hate, I have no time for me. I find myself working 10-12 hour days and sleeping off what little free time I have. I figured up my last check and I made like 3 dollars an hour if you figure it that way. This seems ridiculous to me if for no other reason than I feel I'm worth more than that. I've found a LOT of dishonesty at the job and a LOT of half-truths. I wish they had the guts to just tell you things straight up but they always go around in circles. All I know is that trying to save up any money this way is a mess and I wish I had a better way. Maybe it's approaching the time when I have to go my own way and live life on it's terms and just do what I can to make things come together. I dunno. I'm sure this will disappoint some people that I"m not doing as hot as I'd like to but I'm working hard. I'm sure that soon I'll hear about how I need to make more money and save more up so that my life can go it's planned course. I just don't know if the planned course is a possibility right now. I know I feel an unbelievable amount of pressure on me right now to do this or that for this or that person. I wish I could just not have to worry about that but I do. It's hard to just not think about things when people you hold dear are going to be so let down by what's happening. I dunno what to think about it anymore but everyday there I get closer to choking someone out. JD and I are kinda at the same point there. We both feel like it's time to strangle someone. I've found that he and I share a lot in common. I also got my ticket to Megadeth in a few weeks. Front and center baby!! I also think I'm getting hooked up with backstage, that's what I'm told anyway. I do like that. Anyway I spose I"ll go sit outside and try to enjoy the rest of today before I go back to hell's half acre tomorrow. I wish I had someone I could talk to through this that would understand and that had time but I haven't found anyone yet. Oh well. Maybe I"ll be able to reach Carm or Kelly or Jess or someone soon. Anyway that's all I have so I'm out.

Draper signing off.

My Card

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 13:41:33 GMT

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

BOOM!!!

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 06:55:35 GMT

Saturday, the 18th of September I am the #1 salesman at the dealership. I cranked out 3 in 3 hours. I feel really good about me tonight. I'm like ecstatic. I want to call Carm but just got in and am not calling at 3 AM her time. I've called everyone I think I can get away with though. We outsold our off site sales team at the store today, another company first and I was leading the pack!!! YAY!!!!!!

Ok, now time for bed as I'm whipped. I WIN!!!!!!!!!
Draper out

A touch upon the trigger, a touch inside the head. . .

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 17:03:39 GMT

Well today finds me tired. I haven't really slept in ages and am really missing that part of my life. I've been fighting with different parts of my life and been trying to figure things out and have had limited success. Thanks Jess for your ability to analyze this better than I could and for nailing it so well. I just feel like hell a lot and it seems like no one understands that. I guess they don't have to but it'd help ya know? I'm afraid of a lot of things now that I have never had to think about before and that's no god. I just wish I could find someone to open up to and tell all the things that are inside me. It's like you said Jess, if only I could be open and let someone inside without having to be so terrified of losing them. I live with that daily and I hate it. I think that somewhere inside me is a nice person and a guy that could once again be the one that people liked but he's buried so far in there that I don't know if there's any retrieving him at this stage of the game. I'm also scared of the fact that I'll never have a wife and family and that is prolly my biggest one. I've always wanted that in my life and the thought of not being able to sucks. I just hope that damage that I've done to myself in early life isn't as bad as they say it is. It's all I can pray for. I should be on the phone to Carm right now but I dunno what I'd say to her. I woke up kinda strangely this AM and have been waiting for these feelings to leave before I call her. I really don't wanna talk to her like this. I know that she'd like me to talk to her when I'm like this at times but I just don't feel comfortable talking to her when I feel like this. I't snot her fault, it's mine because I can't get comfy talking about it to anyone. It's going to make our lives hard I'm afraid if I can't get through this and I fear for what she thinks of me at times. I just wish I could be normal too and I don't know when I got this burned either. Sometime in the last 3-4 years though I know that. I just want it to go away so I can be me again. I want Carmen to know me for who I am and see if she really can care for me knowing that and I want so many other people to get the chance to experience me for what I am. That's my dream in life. I spose it's shower time now so I'll get back to this later.

Draper Out.

Dumbass

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 16:35:29 GMT

Well, I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been listening to people tell me things about me and tell me how I should feel and how I should accept things. I've decided that how I really feel really doesn't matter, I just have to accept whatever happens and live with it. I don't even get the option of talking about my feelings on a lot of things cuz when I do I'm led to believe that I'm dumb for feeling that way or I'm just being silly or whatever. I should just not feel that way. Ignoring my feelings is what gave me all the troubles earlier in life and now it doesn't seem to matter cuz a certain amount of the damage done is irreversible. Bottom line is I wish I could just talk to someone about how I'm feeling and have them support me and help walk me through these questions that are in my mind. I'm looking back right now realizing how I've changed and dunno if it's better or worse. I now seem willing to put myself through a lot more pain and confusion for people than ever before. If I'd have gone through things like I am now, when I was younger, I'd have walked away and been through with it. Today I don't even get to voice my needs and when I do it's like I'm being selfish. This has become a common trait for me. Just listening to people's issues and concerns and trying to help them through it. I feel so much inner turmoil and conflict and I don't know how I'll ever get it resolved. All I know is, looking back, I'm amazed that I'm where I'm at and can't believe I have the guts and strength to stay where I am both physically and emotionally. I try and I try to be the right thing for whatever everyone needs and it's eating me a bit. I guess I'll go now and get ready for work. Carm is sposed to call before I leave and all so we'll see how that goes. I just need to take each person aside and say what I'm really feeling to them and not let them tell me that I shouldn't feel that way or I should just mellow out. These are genuine pains and hurts and I need to talk them out. If anyone can help me, please do. Other than that to hell with it.
Draper out.

I feel great today

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 02:38:16 GMT

Today I went in to learn to take "Ups". This is where you stand outside and greet guests as they come onto the lot. If you get really lucky you can make a sale this way but it's like harder as you are a virtual unknown. I got on the lot for this wave of training at 11:30 and met my first guests at 11:45. I closed the sale with them late this afternoon. I think it's cool that the first people I met bought from me. We test drove like 4 vehicles before finding the one that they liked best. I just felt really good having all the guys congratulate me on a job well done. I don't know what else to say but it was cool. After about 4 hours of visiting and driving this gal's mom told me that she works for Chrysler so that made it even sweeter. She said she was really happy about how honest I was with them and how I paid attention to what they wanted and didn't try to tell them what to buy. All in all I guess it was a great day and I feel really good about having done this. Brad, who helped with the paperwork as I"m not licensed yet said I did great and was really amazed at how I handled the folks. I love it. Anyway I'm hoping to talk to Carm and all and hoping that things continue to improve.
Draper out.

This is kinda right, not near as right as Viv's though

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 23:17:08 GMT

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

nothing special

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 02:57:56 GMT

Well, I need to post again to say that things got a little hairy this AM. I was kinda flipping out but things got better tonight. just had a weird kinda mindset today and this whole weekend actually. Things are flowing better now and all is on the mend. Now I just need to play Xbox and see if Carm calls. I need to hear her again fore I go to bed. If ya read this angel, I love you.
Draper out.